I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
The point of your 20s
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
multitasking lunch
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.