“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
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Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Oh, I bet you would be
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?