Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
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*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
I just ran a .003048K
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?