You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.