The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
You Might Also Like
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn