If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?