walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
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My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.