When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over