[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
You Might Also Like
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.