Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
A drum solo but on your face.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.