CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
No point crayon over spilled milk.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
A game married people play.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.