impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10