I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
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Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please