Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
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HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
The Compass
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less