Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
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The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her