Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
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Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory