“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]