My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer