Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
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Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
This is enough internet for the day.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more