[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
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We cut our bangs at dawn.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect