Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat