I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
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I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Wise advice
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory