I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
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Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.