No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
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I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.