[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
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WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Need WebMD
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time