Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.