Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah