[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .