I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
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why would tinder want me to say this
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
love pickles so much i put myself in one
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.