This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
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Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Trumpy Cat
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed