I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Geez man, take it easy.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
me after drinking all the wine:
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE