Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
channeling her this year
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“