How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
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I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.