Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
When can I start eating bats again.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.