United Steaks of America
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!