Lmbo
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
channeling her this year
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.