GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My blood type is b hungry.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.