40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
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“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.