[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.