When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice