Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
You Might Also Like
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
it was love at first sight
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force