Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
You Might Also Like
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
What my back needs
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me