[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
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If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
it be like that
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed