Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Stick it to the man