HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends