When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.