[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
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A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Room with a view.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.