date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
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Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.