The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
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Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
These work great until they don’t.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.