I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
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When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
How times have changed.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.